Letting go of self-blame while living with chronic illness

If, like me, you have a chronic illness, have you ever sat with the thought that maybe you did something to cause it? I certainly have.

Over the years, I’ve noticed that many conversations I’ve had with chronic illness friends landed on that question at some point. It’s that quiet, heavy feeling that somehow, somewhere along the way, you made a wrong turn and now your body is punishing you for it.

I questioned myself for years, wondering if I did something in my life that led me down this autoimmune journey to a lupus diagnosis. I thought back to my childhood, things I did, food I ate, family dynamics, and so on. For many years, I’d replay my choices in life, examine every symptom, and try to find the moment “things went wrong.” What I now know, though, two decades after my diagnosis, is that none of this is my fault. And it isn’t yours, either.

Autoimmune disease is not a moral failure. If you find yourself regularly asking this question, let me say this loud and clear: You did not cause your illness.

Not because of something you ate. Not because of a stressful period in your life. Not from working too hard or not resting enough. Not from missing a green smoothie or skipping yoga.

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February 2, 2018 by Kristiana Page

Questioning Whether I Am to Blame

Where does that voice come from?

I understand why blame sneaks in. The brain is wired to search for answers, especially when something unpredictable and scary takes over our lives. When it feels like our health has slipped out of our control, our brains will often create stories to explain the chaos — even if those stories are unkind. And sometimes those stories are completely rooted in falsehood.

But the reality of the situation is this: The causes of autoimmune diseases like lupus are complicated. They arise due to a mix of factors that need to be present, such as genetics, environment, hormones, gut health, past infections, stress, and things science is still unraveling. It’s not one thing; in fact, think of it more like puzzle pieces that, when they align in a certain way, trigger the immune system to go rogue.

Nothing we did caused it to go rogue. But still, the guilt lingers, right? That inner voice whispers things that make our brain spin. So where does that voice come from?

If we look at it through the lens of psychology, we arrive at self-blame, which the brain is often drawn to because it gives us some sense of control. Which makes perfect sense, because when we lose our health, we often feel totally out of control. But we might think to ourselves, if we can figure out why this happened to us, then we might prevent even more illness from happening. For me, for a long time, that thought felt safer than sitting with the terrifying truth: that sometimes hard things happen for reasons we can’t predict or prevent.

So how do we stop blaming ourselves and start to rewrite the story in our brain? Well, we can begin to pay attention to the thoughts we have and what our inner dialogue is. For instance, when symptoms pop up, what do you hear? Is it the language of blaming, such as, “I knew I shouldn’t have done X, Y, or Z yesterday. Look what I did to myself”? Or is it more kind, like, “I pushed my body hard yesterday so I’m going to give it extra rest today”? If it sounds more like blame, think about what you would say to someone you love and then say that to yourself instead.

Also, speaking your thoughts aloud to someone you trust, such as a safe friend, family member, or therapist, helps to loosen the grip of shame that is often intertwined with some of these blaming types of thoughts. When we realize that other people have them, too, and we aren’t alone, it can help us move away from them.

So the next time that inner critic begins to creep in, trying to pin the blame on you for your health challenges, remind yourself: This is not my fault. This is not my shame to carry. And I am still whole, still worthy, and still healing — every single day.

Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.