About That Greener Grass

Going to a hated job is something so many people complain about. They don’t like their co-workers, and if you could give them a two-hour lunch and a nap in the middle of the day, they’d be in line to sign up.

Once upon a time, I would have volunteered to stand in that line. I was an overachiever of sorts and there was always something filling my day. I remember a time when people would ask me what I wanted to do with my time off, and my reply was, “I just want to sit on my sofa.” Boy, if I’d known then what I know now, I would have stayed blissfully busy.

High fatigue now fills my days, so there are those naps in the middle of the day. I often have so little energy that constantly sitting on my sofa has become a thing. I don’t have to worry about working with co-workers I don’t like. Instead, there is the battle of being alone more often and feeling as if I have no purpose or direction. Today, I went to a coffee shop just so I could get out of the house and ward off cabin fever. One man’s trash truly is another man’s treasure. My treasure for today was seeing perfect strangers and enjoying a breeze outside at a table while working on my computer at some random coffee shop.

As I sat in the coffee shop, I wondered if a lack of co-workers and afternoon naps would make me feel differently if I didn’t have to deal with the chronic pain that comes with lupus. Honestly, I think the only thing I would change (outside of the obvious) is the fatigue. It keeps me from doing a lot. I don’t want co-workers but I do want to be active. I want to learn to swim, I want to go for long walks, I want to be able to carry my computer bag without feeling as if I am carrying a bag full of bricks.

As I sat in that coffee shop, I asked myself: If I worked every day and today was my day off, what would I be doing? I thought back over the times when I had downtime before I got sick (which was rare). I would sit in a coffee shop or on my sofa and piddle around on my computer. Sounds exactly like what I’m doing now.

I sat there assessing what I really felt I was missing by not having a job to go to, and not having co-workers or a boss to complain about. I concluded that I miss my commissions. After being in real estate for almost 20 years, I miss the income. The people I worked with and for … not so much. I miss the constant changes and the interactions I had with clients; I like the excitement of helping others start something new.

So, once again, I find myself figuring things out and trying to put a new perspective, a positive spin, on them. After all, I am a joy junkie, and I try to find a silver lining in lead. My grass is getting greener, and even on the days when I have a few brown patches, I still nurture the idea that sometimes even green grass has bad days.

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Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today, or its parent company, Bionews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.