Chronic illness and dating: How and when to share your diagnosis

Dating can be both a thrilling and nerve-wracking experience. Having a chronic condition certainly adds extra layers of complexity to the mix.

I met my husband over 20 years ago, shortly after I was diagnosed with lupus. My illness was out of control at the time, so I was frequently in and out of the hospital. But like most 20-somethings, I still wanted to experience romance, so I put myself out there.

Not every experience was wonderful, but I learned a few things. If you currently find yourself wading into the dating pool, I hope my experiences can provide you some insight.

Two of the main factors I constantly weighed were:

1. If I met someone special, how and when should I tell them about my diagnosis?
2. How would I handle their reaction, especially if it wasn’t positive?

First, let me share my thoughts about approach and timing. For me, the decision to talk about my diagnosis largely depended on the comfort level I had with the person and the nature of our relationship. If after a date or two I didn’t feel a major connection or I realized our paths were going in opposite directions, I didn’t bring it up.

However, during the seasons of my life when my condition was obvious, such as when I was using a walker or a wheelchair or I had an outbreak on my skin, I had the conversation early on.

Additionally, if our date revolved around food, I’d ease into a conversation about my dietary restrictions and allergies. This was for two reasons: First, my safety and health depended on it, and second, how they handled my dietary restrictions often gave me an idea about how they’d handle a heavier conversation about illness.

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If you are dealing with more of an invisible condition or aren’t in an outwardly visible flare at the moment, you might decide to wait to have this conversation. It might be helpful to think about the depth of your relationship. If you think there might be a chance for a long-term connection, it’s important for your potential partner to eventually know about all of the facets of your life, including your health. I’ve learned that when this conversation happens, honesty is key.

Here are a few tips that helped me start a conversation like this:

• Start with context: I’d discuss my condition in a straightforward manner, such as, “I wanted to share something important with you about my health. I have [condition], which means [description of how it affects me].”
• Share what’s relevant: I’d explain how my condition affects my daily life and what I wanted a romantic partner to know in order to support me. I might say something like, “My condition requires me to follow a specific diet and take medication. It might mean that I’ll sometimes need to adjust plans.” Or, “This condition requires monthly IV treatments, so I have to work from home.”
• End with a positive focus: Talking about illness can be challenging and heavy. I’d emphasize that I manage my condition while having a fulfilling life. This highlighted my resilience.

Once everything is out in the open, it’s time to gear up for the other person’s response. People’s reactions to a chronic condition can vary widely. The following are ways I might’ve responded to someone’s reaction:

• Positive reaction: If the other person responded with empathy and curiosity, I’d view this as a green flag regarding their willingness to understand and support me. The next step was to engage in open dialogue and provide additional information if the person seemed interested or asked for more details.
• Neutral reaction: Sometimes the person didn’t have a strong reaction. This doesn’t necessarily indicate disinterest or a red flag; they might simply need time to process the information. I’d offer space and allow them time to understand what we had just discussed.
• Negative reaction: If the response was less supportive or even dismissive, I’d remember that this is OK, too. Not everyone is prepared or ready to deal with a chronic condition. This type of reaction is simply a reflection of their readiness, not my worth. I know it can be a heartbreaking response when we like someone, but it also might be a “not right now” situation. That being said, if someone dismissed or ridiculed me in any way, it was time to set a clear boundary, put myself (and my health) first, and move on.

Authenticity and self-awareness are the best allies when it comes to dating and finding the right person. We have the right to share our chronic conditions on our terms and at a time that feels right. While emotions can sometimes overwhelm us, we need to trust that the right person will appreciate us for who we are, which includes our challenges and strengths. If someone can’t or doesn’t want to understand, it’s important to accept that they might not be the right match.

Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.