Determined to Determine the Point of it All
How many times have you heard that we go through ugly things in life to learn a lesson, or to be an example to someone else? The someone else part is a bit annoying, and reminds me of the joke that says “Hey, math, solve your own problems.” No one wants to be a lesson for someone else and we don’t get the lesson plan, so it’s not like we know what we are teaching.
Are we showing people how to be in pain? Are we showing them how to wear hospital gear? What about showing them how great one can look while their body is in full rebellion? I have heard and been told this so many times that I now tease and tell people that if I ever meet that elusive “someone else,” I’m taking them out back for a not-so-nice discussion.
The pain, the coping, the endurance that we go through really does show the world a perspective that they may not have otherwise.
Being a very positive and typically upbeat person, regardless of how much pain I am in, I am usually going to crack a joke or try to make someone else smile. This is how I cope, but it’s not typical from my understanding. All too often, when bad things happen we look for an explanation, and when that bad thing is not at the hands of another, where do you go? Who do you ask? When you cry, when you hurt, when you confide in the people you care for and who care for you? They always say “everything happens for a reason.” Sadly, this is not something that is disputed; we accept this as fact.
There are days when I want to just complain, share the pain, share the fatigue, share the fear. There is concern when your organs are being rejected that one day you won’t recover, that the medicines’ side effects are creating some madness. Rarely will I discuss these things with anyone but family unless I feel it will truly serve someone in the way of awareness, or if I am really, really feeling awful. Being negative and sharing the pains all the time does not serve as a way to bring awareness; it becomes hard to hear after a while. It begs, yet again, the answer to the question: If you are in pain, what is the point?
In time, I often wonder how many people can look back and say, “I found out what that reason was.” Lupus has not been fun. It has challenged me in ways I can’t put to words, but fighting gracefully has become something I’m determined to do. When I share, it is usually in an upbeat manner — if that is possible with something that is eating up your insides. I wish I knew the point. One day it is my hope to look back and say, I figured it. But until then, I fight with a smile most days.
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