What to remember if you’re dating with a chronic illness

Here’s a truth I believe many of us can agree with: Dating in the modern world is a wild ride. Even if you are healthy, it takes a lot out of you. Add in a chronic illness diagnosis and whoa! Suddenly, that roller coaster has a few extra loops, a broken seatbelt, and a robotic monster screaming from the sidelines, “Best of luck!”

But here’s the reality of love and chronic illness: Having a diagnosis doesn’t mean your desire for connection, intimacy, or a spicy flirt session just disappears. You’re still allowed to want romance and crave butterflies. And no matter the state of your health (physical or mental), you are entirely worthy of love, even if you feel like you might be unlovable at times because of an illness.

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September 11, 2024 by Marisa Zeppieri

Chronic illness and dating: How and when to share your diagnosis

Dipping your toe in the dating waters

One of the most common questions I hear often from my peers who have been diagnosed with lupus or another chronic illness is: “How much should I share about my illness when I start dating again?” My answer? It depends on a few factors, including your personality, comfort level, and even your energy levels and mental bandwidth. All of these things mix together to create your unique dating equation.

Also, there’s no universal rule for when or how to divulge your private health matters once you actually begin seeing people. Some people are all for leading with honesty. (I’m in this camp.) This may sound like: “I have lupus. It’s part of my life, and if that’s too much for you, well, there’s the door.” Or, it may be a bit gentler, like: “I just want to share before this goes any further that I live with a health condition called lupus. It’s not contagious, and I am managing it, but it affects my energy and ability to do certain things.” Or, you can share a lighthearted “Just so you’re not surprised later, I don’t run marathons or climb mountains, but I do make a mean soup and know the best streaming recommendations.”

Instead of spilling the beans on the first coffee date, others prefer to build trust and connection for several weeks or months before diving into their full health history. Both avenues are completely valid. Again, what you say, when you say it, and how bold or direct you are with the facts depend on your personality and comfort, but the crucial piece here is reflecting on the person’s response.

When thinking about their response, ask yourself: Did you feel respected and safe after you shared? Did the person inquire and seem genuinely interested in learning more? Or did they brush it off, question the validity, gaslight you, or immediately offer a cure that might “fix you”?

I wouldn’t call those immediately nonnegotiable and burn the bridge right then, but I would take them as caution signs, and here’s why: Some people who are healthy and have never experienced a health crisis are uncomfortable when the topic comes up or genuinely don’t know what to say. I think in these scenarios, it’s crucial to watch the person’s reactions and behaviors as you continue dating, but don’t overlook negative reactions, as they may signal trouble down the line.

Also, I always encourage people to watch how others react to a sudden change in plans, or the moments when you have to cancel plans altogether. Do they take it in stride and seem flexible, perhaps offering help, or does it come with guilt, shaming, complaining, or belittling?

If at any point in the dating process you feel nervous, shamed, or scared to speak up and advocate for yourself when you aren’t feeling well, then their behavior is more than a red flag; it’s a gift-wrapped exit sign. And it’s time to see yourself out!

Remember: You deserve softness, not scrutiny

I know that dating while navigating chronic illness can sometimes make you feel like apologizing for being “too much” or “too complicated.” But hear me: You are not a burden. You are a beautifully complex, layered, passionate human.

Anyone who gets to date you is lucky. Read that again: LUCKY. They’re getting someone who knows resilience, who’s had to advocate for themselves in difficult situations, and who still finds ways to laugh when their bones creak louder than their basement door.

Amazing relationships don’t just happen out of thin air; they take work from both parties. What you bring to the table — depth, empathy, and emotional intelligence forged through hard-earned experience — is priceless.

So whether you’re out there swiping or just dipping a toe back into the dating pool, be proud of who you are and all you’ve survived. And please don’t forget that you are not hard to love. You just need the right person who knows how to show up and isn’t scared of a “little messy and a lot of honesty” type of relationship.

Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.