Just Breathe: Trying to Calm the Chaos in My Brain

I used to be a neat, organized person. Being diagnosed with lupus, however, turned my world upside down. I was bombarded with new words, new medications, and new doctors. Suddenly, I had to have a dozen different tests for things I had never heard of before. And somehow, the chaos in my body led to chaos in my whole life. 

When you give a perfectionist a disease that affects every part of their life the way lupus does, it’s enough to make them want to tear their hair out. I hate that I can’t do everything I used to do. I hate that I can’t work steadily until a project is done, rather than having to stop for a break after a couple of hours.

I hate that I can’t walk without gasping for breath after a few minutes. I hate that my brain can’t remember everything that I ask it to. I hate that I have turned into a person who never seems to finish a project. 

Meditation gives your brain a break

All these thoughts and emotions are swirling around in my brain, and it needs a break. I wish I were one of those people who can get their brain to stop and relax for a little while. I am always worrying about something, whether it needs worrying about or not. 

Lately, I have been trying to learn to meditate. I don’t know whether I’ll ever get to the point where I can focus solely on my breath for 10 minutes, but I keep trying. I can’t tell you how many meditation apps I’ve installed on my phone only to delete them in a couple of days because they don’t work. Actually, I think I’m what isn’t working. 

Focus on your breath

I try to focus on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth.

In and out, in and out, in and Oh! I need to put flour on the grocery list. If I don’t do it right now, I’ll forget it. Stop that — you are supposed to be meditating!

Some days, my brain is like a precocious 3-year-old. 

But I keep trying. With a chronic illness like lupus, I need more peace and calm in my life. There are a lot of things I cannot control, but I will continue to try to control my breath and my mind. The benefits of meditation are worth the effort of learning to do it properly. 

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Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today, or its parent company, Bionews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.