In life with chronic illness, we must guard against energy vampires

When you live with a chronic illness like lupus, you eventually learn that energy isn’t just something you “have” or “don’t have.” It’s sacred. It’s currency. And when it’s gone, it’s gone.

Unlike a phone that you can plug into the wall to charge, our bodies don’t always bounce back after rest. While a nap can help others recharge, it’s not as restorative or helpful for us.

After struggling for many years with a limited amount of energy, and running myself ragged trying to please everyone around me and pretend I wasn’t the “sick girl,” I realized something: Protecting our energy is crucial when living with a chronic illness. So is learning how to spot and manage “energy vampires.”

But here’s what surprised me as I started to intentionally look for these vampires: They’re not always people. They can also be habits, patterns, or even our own toxic thoughts that drain us dry without giving anything back.

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So what exactly is an energy vampire?

Energy vampires are the people, patterns, or pressures that leave you hollowed out. They’re the friend who only calls to unload their baggage, the co-worker who never takes a hint, or the group chat that dings at midnight when you finally found sleep. They might also be less obvious: overcommitting, doomscrolling, guilt spirals, or the little voice in your head whispering, “You should be doing more.”

Unlike responsibilities (kids, jobs, caregiving), which may cost energy but can also bring meaning, energy vampires only deplete. They don’t refill the tank in any way. And when you’re living with a chronic illness, that kind of drain hits differently.

Why energy matters more with chronic illness

Most people assume fatigue is just “being tired.” But chronic illness fatigue is a different beast. Some days you wake up with five spoons (to borrow from blogger Christine Miserandino’s “spoon theory,” a metaphor for energy). Other days, you wake up with one or even negative spoons. Every single task has a cost. Showering? One spoon. Making breakfast? Another. Getting kids out the door? Well, that could feel like a million spoons on some days.

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that over 60% of U.S. adults ages 18-34 live with at least one chronic illness. A study published in Annals of Medicine surveyed 4,199 people with chronic diseases, and 94% reported experiencing fatigue. Personally, fatigue is one of the hardest symptoms for me to manage and contend with. No amount of napping makes me feel rested.

That’s why, for those of us living with chronic illness, learning to conserve and spend energy wisely is survival, not selfishness.

The sneakiest vampires of all

Here’s the part that stings: Sometimes the biggest drain isn’t outside of us, but inside.

It could be the guilt voice that lies and says, “You’re being lazy.” Or the comparison voice that says, “Other people are doing more.” Or even that sneaky old memory voice that says, “You used to be able to do [activity], so why not now?”

These internal energy vampires might be the hardest to fight because they sound like us. But they’re lies. You’re not lazy. You’re not weak. You’re navigating a body that demands a new playbook, and that’s not failure; it’s wisdom.

Some of my favorite rescripts to play back in my brain, helping me create new thinking patterns, include:

• “I don’t owe anyone my old self back.”
• “Rest isn’t selfish. It’s sacred.”
• “If my body fights for me every day, I can fight for her by giving her kindness.”

How to spot (and stop) an energy vampire

If you’re unsure whether you’ve got an energy vampire on your hands, try this quick self-check:

• Do I feel worse after engaging with this person/task?
• Is guilt or fear driving my “yes”?
• Am I getting anything in return?
• If I could say no without consequence, would I?

If you said yes to most of those, congrats — you’ve found your energy vampire.

Living fully with what you’ve got

Once you have determined who or what your energy vampires are, you can decide if you want to remove them from your life, place a stronger boundary around them, or deal with them in another manner that makes sense for you. The bottom line is, with lupus or any chronic illness, every ounce of your energy matters. Your rest is not a reward. And you don’t need to apologize for honoring your body. Protect it fiercely. Use your energy wisely. And spend it on what makes your life feel meaningful and full — even if that means choosing peace and a nap.

Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.