Have I Given Up? The Search for Joy in My Battle

Have I Given Up? The Search for Joy in My Battle

I don’t make resolutions. It seems that now they have been replaced with mantras and buzzwords. However, my daughter asked me on New Year’s Day if I had something that could give me life guidance this year. I told her that instead of constantly trying to find ways to monetize my efforts and work all the time, I wanted to find things that I enjoyed. And if those activities bring me money, then great.

As I looked into the things I thought would bring me joy, I felt as if I’d chosen them because they would not overly challenge my body. I’ve seen little corners of the world and still have some countries left to visit and have stamped on my passport. But the thought of packing and traveling to new places makes me feel apprehensive and exhausted.

Traveling to new places is another level of stress. While I want to go, part of me thinks I should stay put. I’ve shared that I’m teaching myself to sew. The more bags I make, the more people are asking to buy them. I started offering these bags, not just as a potential source of income but because they bring others joy. And let’s face it, what am I going to do with a giant pile of purses?

Somedays, I am too exhausted to sew, so I spend time on my computer, figuring out how to add to my online business and increase my income. Instead of doing this, I decided to teach myself a new skill that I can do from bed. I gathered together my initial supplies but once again felt as if I was giving up.

I think that I will enjoy learning how to make purse bling โ€” I chose this activity to accompany my bag-making, but also because I could do it in bed. For a person who, in the past, spent a lot of time on the go, making choices around what I can do from my bed feels as if I have accepted that’s where I’m destined to be.

It’s frustrating to think that lupus has led to my preferring to be alone in my bed, engaged in activities that allow me to stay inside. I feel as if I’ve given up. Then I remind myself that on the days I can go out, I do.

I don’t know how much traveling I will accomplish this year, but I plan to find joy in the things I create, the people I spend time with, and in the many days that I will be fortunate to have. Some days I feel as if I’ve given up; at other times, I realize that my continual search for joy and efforts to bring happiness to others are merely different ways of battling.

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Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today, or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.

Kellie “Hurricane” McRae has been dubbed a force of nature. She’s the mother of 2 adults who know she is a force to be reckoned with. Diagnosed with Lupus in February 2016 after multiple hospital stays that had her saying her goodbyes to her family & writing her will she became a very vocal advocate. She has openly shared via Periscope what she calls coping while scoping and has helped many who got a fresh diagnosis as well as those who have been battling for a while. Kellie has taken on the idea that food is medicine and shares frequently the chemical ingredients found in some foods and she also shares recipe’s for great food. Food is medicine is part of her philosophy. After Lupus forced her to walk away from a 17 year career in Real Estate, she began an online business helping others go from “Coping to Cash flow” because not everyone gets approved for disability and still need to pay bills despite the unpredicatable issues that Lupus causes.
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Kellie “Hurricane” McRae has been dubbed a force of nature. She’s the mother of 2 adults who know she is a force to be reckoned with. Diagnosed with Lupus in February 2016 after multiple hospital stays that had her saying her goodbyes to her family & writing her will she became a very vocal advocate. She has openly shared via Periscope what she calls coping while scoping and has helped many who got a fresh diagnosis as well as those who have been battling for a while. Kellie has taken on the idea that food is medicine and shares frequently the chemical ingredients found in some foods and she also shares recipe’s for great food. Food is medicine is part of her philosophy. After Lupus forced her to walk away from a 17 year career in Real Estate, she began an online business helping others go from “Coping to Cash flow” because not everyone gets approved for disability and still need to pay bills despite the unpredicatable issues that Lupus causes.

2 comments

  1. Stacie says:

    Wow, this hit home. I have no goals or desires, I constantly would let myself or others down. And that hurts me, I have always been the one to be the rock. I feel useless, stagnant, and lost. I used to be involved in everything, school, sports, government, church,jobs, you name it, I was a volunteer firefighter, boy/girl scout leader, class mom, ect. now… I barely can get my kids to school on time

    • Kellie McRae says:

      Hi Stacie, I wish I could give you a magic solution that would get us both back up to speed. Its hard knowing what was while looking at what is. I have really just started with small successes. I honestly celebrate the days I can take a shower without having to stop and lean on the wall ๐Ÿ™‚ Sounds silly but that’s my marathon mile marker some mornings. Be kind to yourself, you didn’t ask for it and you are doing the best you can, give yourself credit for that. Sending you good vibes, stay strong.

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