Working on Healing My Happy

Working on Healing My Happy

For years, I have been chasing remission. In my mind, it was the pinnacle. I could envision low to no pain, newfound energy, and no more medications. It was like lupus utopia in my head. Someday, I would be told my bloodwork looked normal, reflecting “remission numbers.”

Utopia, however, was nowhere on the actual radar. Much of what I’d been feeling over the years was still there, and some of the symptoms continued to worsen. So did my attitude. I will be honest: I knew absolutely nothing about depression. I had no idea how gripping it could be.

It was a true surprise to me that depression actually causes physical pain, and since lupus is already winning in that area, I do not want to have to deal with another pain source. I realized that, because I can’t heal my lupus, I have to heal my happy.

I have been seeing a therapist and had gotten intermittent relief from our sessions, but nothing that I felt was lasting. To my mind, this meant I was still not getting to the root of the problem that had taken me from being a self-proclaimed “joy junkie” to this sad and morbid person I was becoming. When I realized that I was feeling as if my life was never going to improve, I started feeling hopeless.

That realization has meant the world to me. It allowed me to really delve into the source of my unhappiness. Now, I’m not saying that I have cured my depression, but I can tell you that coming to the knowledge that remission is not the solution I thought it was has allowed me to sit down and have tough conversations with myself and my therapist.

I thought I’d accepted that I had lupus almost four years ago, but by chasing remission, I was still holding out hope that I could have a life very similar to the one I’d had before diagnosis. That is not acceptance. Now, I feel the best thing I can do is accept the diagnosis, accept that I will have limitations, and accept that there is a possibility things could get worse. They could also get better, but let’s move from where I am instead of chasing something that’s down the road.

Some of the thoughts I’ve had as I fight for my happy have been, “Am I going to be sick all the time? Am I going to have a tough time breathing forever? Am I going to be afraid to move about this world?” (If you have been following me, you know that I hop between continents and countries every so often.)

I have been feeling resentful that I need wheelchair assistance almost every time I fly. I have been refusing to wear a mask. (This is foolish, and since I am fighting a cold and a lung infection, both obtained after international flights, I will wear one in the future.) I have been allowing my ego to get in the way and telling myself what I won’t be able to do going forward. Another foolish move.

I flew out to the United States the week before I wrote this, and doctors once again tried to hospitalize me, but my mindset was totally different this time. I knew they were doing what they had to do and I allowed it, which expedited my return home.

I’ve decided that I am going to find a life. I’ll stop focusing on what was and push for what I want my future to look like. It has only been a week, but I have been happier in this past week than I have been in a long time. I have been out socializing, too. Depression is tough and I am battling it as best I can. I am working on healing my happy.

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Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today, or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.

Kellie “Hurricane” McRae has been dubbed a force of nature. She’s the mother of 2 adults who know she is a force to be reckoned with. Diagnosed with Lupus in February 2016 after multiple hospital stays that had her saying her goodbyes to her family & writing her will she became a very vocal advocate. She has openly shared via Periscope what she calls coping while scoping and has helped many who got a fresh diagnosis as well as those who have been battling for a while. Kellie has taken on the idea that food is medicine and shares frequently the chemical ingredients found in some foods and she also shares recipe’s for great food. Food is medicine is part of her philosophy. After Lupus forced her to walk away from a 17 year career in Real Estate, she began an online business helping others go from “Coping to Cash flow” because not everyone gets approved for disability and still need to pay bills despite the unpredicatable issues that Lupus causes.
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Kellie “Hurricane” McRae has been dubbed a force of nature. She’s the mother of 2 adults who know she is a force to be reckoned with. Diagnosed with Lupus in February 2016 after multiple hospital stays that had her saying her goodbyes to her family & writing her will she became a very vocal advocate. She has openly shared via Periscope what she calls coping while scoping and has helped many who got a fresh diagnosis as well as those who have been battling for a while. Kellie has taken on the idea that food is medicine and shares frequently the chemical ingredients found in some foods and she also shares recipe’s for great food. Food is medicine is part of her philosophy. After Lupus forced her to walk away from a 17 year career in Real Estate, she began an online business helping others go from “Coping to Cash flow” because not everyone gets approved for disability and still need to pay bills despite the unpredicatable issues that Lupus causes.

2 comments

  1. Janice says:

    Hey Kelly Thanks so much for sharing your struggles with us. I totally understand where you are coming from. I admire your strength and honesty. I too hope one day I can fully accept my diagnosis. I had a very active lifestyle prior to diagnosis too and for some reason I keep thinking I will get it back. Anyway, you reminded me to just keep it in the day. Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift that’s why we call it the present. Best of luck to you

    • Kellie McRae says:

      Hi Janice, It really stinks that we can’t figure out how to take back the lives we loved. Figuring out how to appreciate today I think will help us at least appreciate the good things in that day. I try to find something to be grateful for even on my worst days. Like you said, today is a gift. Thank you for sharing some of your wisdom and I hope you get some good energy days to splurge with 🙂 We pay for those days but they are well worth it in my opinion, they remind me of what once was even if only for a few hours.

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