How Lupus Influenced My Spiritual Shift

How Lupus Influenced My Spiritual Shift

Lupus is an ugly diagnosis. It is one that comes with an unpredictable future. Some people get the medications and they are OK, others have a revolving door at the hospital, and some succumb. You just have no idea if it will affect you in ways that will keep you in pain or that will send you into remission. As for me, I am chasing remission with every fiber of my being. I have claimed it as my own and I affirm it daily. As a result, I have made changes and have more good days than bad.

Lupus has a way of making me review my entire life when it hits me in a way that shifts my entire world. For me, lupus stole it all. Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually — everything for me changed. When I first got this diagnosis and shared the news, I got a lot of “I’m going to pray for you,” and “By His stripes, you are healed.” I also got a few scriptures that talked about how God allows things to happen to get your attention, or that implied I wasn’t giving Him enough glory. (The story of Job was the reference).

Now, to be honest, I have always questioned religion, but not spirituality. I often have wondered how the Jesus I learned about possibly could understand all of our problems despite never experiencing many of them. A man who never married or had children can understand infidelity in a marriage and wayward kids? When I would ask about this, I was met either with confusion or told not to question things. This never worked for me.

When I got lupus and these religious excerpts kept coming, I found no comfort in them. When it was shared with me that perhaps I’d done something to deserve this by not paying enough homage, I decided that if this was how things were, I wanted no part of the selfish tantrum this deity was having, because I did not credit him with my home sales numbers or the many awards I was getting for doing well in my career.

I started to really review. I love my children and would never cause them pain for not giving me credit for things I may have had a direct impact on; I would simply celebrate with them while taking satisfaction in knowing they’d done well and wouldn’t be here without me. I’d been told that the one I served was the one true deity. I moved to other countries with other beliefs and saw a conflict in mine being the one and only, and them living happy lives. Less-violent lives, less-greedy lives, lives where they seemed to be happy and thriving. No wrath was visited upon them for not worshiping the one I was told was the one and only.

I often have said that I get everything I pray for, and it’s true. I consider myself a “master manifester,” but I have come to appreciate that there is a higher power I no longer call by a name. I know this probably will bother some folks. Remember, this is my journey: You worship who or what you want. I respect that, fully.

But I am realizing there is an energy at work and, in my mind, it has never walked this earth as a man, woman, or child. We have what we believe, what we work toward, and at times it comes with factors we cannot control. No matter who you are, tough times happen. Health issues, money issues, mental issues … issues.

I no longer believe we are so special that someone sitting on high takes the time to focus in on our little lives and decide that — if he is not getting enough credit — he is going to rip the rug out from under us until we bend to his will. What kind of love is that? Nope, I no longer believe in that. But I do believe in something greater than me, and I will continue to move forward with the satisfaction of knowing a deity cannot solve this for me.


Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.


  1. Brandi Dunn says:

    Awesome share and any Christian or Jesus follower knows one thing as it isn’t our jobs as humans to convince or convert it is just to live as an example. I am so happy and rephreshed to read and hear you say it and stand behind it as your own path and words and choice! I feel we all need to get there on their own accord and opinions and research and you are awesome for this article!

    • Kellie McRae says:

      Brandi! Thank you so much for understanding! I can’t tell you how many people (I’m sure you know this) want to argue you into believing their way. I respect everyone’s right to choose for themselves and I would totally agree, living by example is indeed the best way to get people to truly see. Thank you so much for not trying to convince me to see it your way, that rocks! You rock!

  2. Shelley says:

    I understand what you’re saying, Kellie. I’m a Christian and I call my god either God or Father or Jehovah or Elohim. You get the picture. Lol I see a Christian counselor because I have depression and anxiety as many chronic pain patients do. I asked the counselor once if he thought that God gave me the illnesses that I now carry…If I ticked Him off so much that He just decided that I should live in pain forever, that I would worry that I would die young or perhaps I wouldn’t die young but would wish that I could. My counselor said that our life decisions, the paths we choose, could lead us to a point where we develop an illness. So it’s not God’s fault, it’s mine. Needless to say, I did not like his opinion. I’m not a “bad person” eg rapist, murderer, etc. I help people regularly. I worked in social services for 11 years before my illnesses stole that from me. When I think of my Father, I think of the New Testament Jesus (Yeshua) who was kind and compassionate, who helped the broken, the poor, marginalized members of society, who forgave and blessed people that society seemed unworthy. I don’t see him as an angry, vengeful god who would point his finger at good people and cause them to suffer. This is just my idea. Thinking of Him in this way helps me to keep my sanity because if I thought that he truly was unkind, I wouldn’t have much hope. I completely understand why your idea of “spirituality” has changed especially if somebody told you that you did (or didn’t do) something that would cause you to develop lupus. Those ate the type of people that I do NOT associate with. I have a difficult time with some of today’s “Christians”. It seems that they’ve completely forgotten how Jesus was portrayed in the Bible and that they have the right to judge and condemn anybody that is different from themselves. Whatever your beliefs turn out to be, I just hope that you have peace and comfort. Sorry for the rambling monologue. Lol

    • Kellie McRae says:

      Hi Shelley, thanks for sharing your story, when I read that your counselor said your life choices were part of why you got sick, I got mad. We did absolutely nothing wrong! By his account, my being a healthy eater, a former fitness competitor and basically an overall happy person would cause illness? Garbage. Sadly, it does not matter what we believe or don’t believe, bad things happen to everyone. We don’t get a choice in what those bad things are. We can make informed decisions to do things differently that may affect the bad things AFTER the fact but if we knew those bad things were coming or had any real influence on them, we would never have those things happen in the first place. As far as the spiritual side of things, I agree, I think we need some sort of hope that things can and will get better. I don’t want to put a name on it anymore but I do love that I know it’s not just about me being in this great big universe alone, I do believe there is something bigger and I am glad you believe that as well. Thanks for sharing again, I appreciate you.

    • Kellie McRae says:

      Hi Christine, I had a feeling I wasn’t the only one feeling this way but with religion being such a taboo subject, speaking openly about a shift in how one feel spiritually isn’t easy. Thank you for the encouragement and glad to know that I am not alone in my beliefs. 🙂

  3. Jenny Cobby says:

    A great insight. Thank you. God isn’t a religion. God is ourselves. The higher power is earth and our connection. I have always had a spiritual connection to a source greater than ourselves. I now have Lupus. Like many others, I am sure we have had to hand our lives over and trust in something we cannot see. I am healing more and more every day. Lupus has helped me gain spiritually beyond belief so it has given me a chance to finally help my life. Louise Hay insights on Lupus tells us a great deal. Gratitude for all we do have helps me every day. Thanks for listening.

    • Kellie McRae says:

      You know Jenny, its funny, I thought this article would anger people because I took out an aspect that so many believe in and what I have found are welcoming arms to my honesty. I agree wholeheartedly with you that God isn’t religion. I truly know there is indeed something bigger than us, as I venture through my days taking pictures of beautiful flowers and listening to the laughter of children. It is so wonderful to know that there are some who know the value of believing in something bigger than ourselves without having to beat us over the head to call it what they decide. Thank you for your understanding and your insight.

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