The ‘Girlfriend Experience’ is Much Different Because of Lupus
The typical Girlfriend Experience should be one filled with flowers and dates. Meeting loved ones. Family and friends for the holidays. But, when dating a woman with lupus, the Girlfriend Experience is dramatically different. Being a single mom meant I wasn’t the easiest person to date before my symptoms reared their ugly head. Having this added medical challenge, meant the Girlfriend Experience with lupus becomes one of caretaker, nurse, chauffeur. Most important, it is one that requires an immense amount of patience.
Flowers, dates and loved ones
I recently wrote a column about how I spent my Valentines Day. Looking back, I can recall the days of  receiving flowers at work and at home. I remember dates to fancy restaurants then hitting up the museum or a movie. Long walks into the early morning. After a series of dates and outings, we would move on to meeting each others’ loved ones and family members. Eventually we would begin to split holidays between the families, ignoring the not-so-subtle hints of marriage and children.
Everything changed when I was diagnosed with lupus. Planning a date for next week, when you don’t know if you can get out of bed tomorrow, is a fruitless endeavor. Not too many men are up for the spontaneity and extreme patience required to have a Girlfriend Experience with someone with lupus.
Commitment is to my health and to my boys
Being a single mom comes with its own issues entirely. My commitment is to my health equaled only by my commitment to my boys. Unfortunately, this leaves little room for anything else. Dating someone with lupus means you’re not only in the back seat, but you’re effectively in the trunk.
The Experience of having a girlfriend with lupus means being a caretaker and a nurse when your girlfriend isn’t feeling well enough to make it out of bed. I am not saying you won’t have extremely wonderful times when she’s on an upswing. But I am saying there are extremely difficult down times. Doctors’ visits, immune-suppressants and medical treatments that can leave someone with lupus down for days, if not weeks or months. These things take a toll on the mind, body and spirit and it takes a truly patient, loving and forgiving person to face a future like that.
Dating a woman with lupus is a challenge
The typical Girlfriend Experience is filled with the traditional relationship issues of sex, love and fun. While dating a woman with lupus is a challenge, at best, at worst it’s a recipe for heartache and disaster. Having the added challenge of lupus has meant that I need to be more selective in my search for whom to share my life with. I don’t want a caretaker, a nurse or a chauffeur; I want someone to understand that I am sick and can’t be everything to everyone all the time.
Women with lupus need to be loved, just like everyone else. But I also need someone who has the patience to see me through my darkest days.
How can you recognize the good times, in both people and life, without going through the bad?
Note: Lupus News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Lupus News Today, or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to lupus.
Comments
Tamie Nicholson
A woman that has Lupus and recently got engaged 2 years ago isn't her fault that she has the disease because nobody in they're right mind would want something like Lupus. I don't want to be treated any differently than anyone else. I'm independent and i like taking care of myself and i can see since i was diagnosed that it has taken a toll mentally on my finance and although he doesn't complain because i do have alot of flare ups because my life is very stressful. I lost my job about 2 years ago because of this disease and I've worked all my life, so mentally it's hard to depend on someone else when you're used to taking care of yourself financially. I'm trying to get disability but just was diagnosed because so many Doctor's have missed the symptoms,and they suspected i had an auto immune disorder around 30 years ago but i was never tested which goes to show that you've got to find the right Doctor that cares , in my case it was my kidney Specialist. I have every single one of the symptoms and have had all the symptoms even 30 years ago but it's caused so much damage to my kidneys. I'm in stage 3 moderate kidney disease and have cysts ans nodules all over my thyroid but my insurance doesn't cover a thyroid specialist. Back when i had excellent insurance ans worked at the hospital i never had time to use it or go to the Doctor because the hours i worked all the time. My fiance has his mood swings because i can see why because he has a high sex drive and even though i want to fullfill his needs and i do sometimes i can't like i used to because I'm in constant pain all the time. My feet and hands swell, i have cysts literally all over my whole entire body and that's no joke. Hair loss, migraines from you know were. He understands now that he knows what is wrong and i finally have an appointment with a rhuematorolgist soon and i pray they can help me with some kind of meditation because I'm tired of taking steroids all the time and a man shouldn't treat you any differently if he loves you because of the disease because you didn't ask to have it. I try not to complain but the joint swelling and it's bad enough I've over my lifetime been in 5 car accident which none has been my fault and bucked off a horse and I've had 6 surgeries and tylenol just doesn't cut it and I'm allergic to motrin and my kidney Doctor doesn't want me on certain medications because it could cause further damage to my kidneys. I take iron, liquid potassium and vitamin D-3 everyday because of the deficiency which I've had most my life on and off including 6 surgeries and IBS-D and to many other health conditions to mention. Those with Lupus i feel for you and if someone truly loves you they will stand by you're side through anything because it's supoose to be in sickness and in health, good times and bad so it's not the person's fault who has it because i wouldn't wish it upon anyone that's for sure. God Bless all those with it and may they find a cure and i pray it's not spread to our family and God Bless the caregivers as well because you have a compassionate heart.